


gasping at glimpses of gentle true spirit

by northernstars



Category: Call the Midwife
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, They're so in love it's disgusting, valerie deserves to be happy 2k19
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 14:50:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17983184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/northernstars/pseuds/northernstars
Summary: Her life will never be the same after tomorrow. She might lose the part of her family she felt she could always rely on. But Lucille is beside her, will hold her hand throughout, and as long as she is, Valerie feels like she can take on the world.or, Valerie deals with her emotions after last weeks episode and Lucille never once stops loving her.





	gasping at glimpses of gentle true spirit

**Author's Note:**

> Yes I know, here I am _again_ with another Val and Lucille fic. I swear I’ll stop pestering you all with them any day now 
> 
> This is for the Valerie Dyker group chat. They asked for fluff and I hope I delivered. It's mostly unedited so all typos are on me!
> 
> Massive thanks to Ami for without her this fic probably wouldn't exist.

She needs to get out of here. Now.

There are too many people around her. No one here could possibly know what she knows, at least not until the truth comes out tomorrow. They have no idea, and yet she feels like everyone is talking about her. Every single look thrown her way accompanied feels fuelled by disapproval.

People she’s known for years, girls she grew up with are all laughing and having fun. On any other day, she would be right alongside them, laughing, enjoying the party. Maybe even sneaking in some sherry. But right now it’s taking all her energy not to cry.

Lucille moves into her line of vision, a worried look on her face. Valerie hasn’t told her, hasn’t had the heart to yet. She knows she’ll have to, preferably before everything goes to hell tomorrow. But she can’t. Lucille looks happy, at ease in the mass of people. Valerie doesn’t want to ruin her evening. It’s still a party after all, even if she can’t find it in herself to enjoy it.

“Are you alright?” Lucille asks, brow furrowed.

She knows something is up. She can read Valerie like an open book. But she hasn’t pushed yet, won’t. She will wait and let Valerie come to her when she’s ready. She gets her, that’s why they work so well together. It’s how Valerie works, and Lucille respects that. Valerie loves her for that.

“Me? Yeah, I’m fine.” Her voice is shaky and she has to blink back tears.

“What can I do?” Lucille’s voice is so gentle it almost shatters her to pieces.

She looks away.

“Valerie.”

“I’m fine! Just drop it!” It comes out harsher than she meant it to, and she immediately regrets it.

She feels Sister Julienne’s eyes burn into her from her left, watching them in silence while she bounces her knees to keep Angela entertained. She’s aware something happened the night Trixie and her left suddenly and came back hours later looking worse for wear.

They’ll talk to her first, tomorrow. Before they go to the police. Before they allow the outside world to form an opinion. Sister Julienne will have their back, Valerie is sure about that. She tries her best to find solace in that.

Lucille is still in front of her, is still looking at her with concern clearly written all over her face. Valerie doesn’t know what to do, what to say to make Lucille stop looking at her like that. She can’t find the right words, it’s a big mess in her brain. She needs space, space to think.

It’s all too much. Lucile’s worried gaze, Sister Julienne’s piercing eyes. It feels like someone’s got their hand wrapped around her throat, air doesn’t seem to reach her lungs. She needs to get out. She needs to _breathe_.

“Just-” She bites her lip, fighting the tears back down, “I’m going out for a smoke.”

She gets up abruptly, the chair she sat on scraping over the floor. A few people turn to look at the commotion, she sends them a murderous look, hoping it will be enough to make them mind their own business.

It works, they look away. Lucille doesn’t, keeps her eyes locked on Valerie’s.

“Want me to join you?”

Yes. No. _Please do._

“I don't know.”

She turns away, almost running towards the exit. Still too many people. Why can’t she breathe?

The door leading out onto the streets is only a few feet away, yet it feels like hours before she finally feels the cold air hit her bare arms. She should have taken her coat with her. She left her package of cigarettes in the pocket.

Fuck it.

Her back hits a wall and she slumps against it. Her knees feel like they can give out any minute. Her head is spinning. Why is she still not able to _breathe?_

The muted sounds of the party going on inside reach her ears. It’s deafening, so she presses her hands to the sides of her head, in an attempt to block it out. It makes the noise inside her head increase tenfold.

She forces herself to inhale. Once, twice, until the world around her stops spinning.

“Valerie?”

Lucille’s voice pierces through her muddled brain, but she can’t seem to open her mouth to reply. She just needs to keep breathing, then she’ll be fine. _She will be._

Lucille’s feet appear in her field of vision, and they stop in front of her. Valerie drags her eyes up until she finds Lucille’s worried brown ones.

“I don’t know what happened, and you don’t need to tell me. But tell me how I can help? What do you need?”

Valerie struggles to reply, only managing a hoarse whisper, “I don’t know, Lu. I honestly don’t know.”

Lucille is quiet for a moment, and Valerie bows her head, too tired to keep herself upright.

“Would a hug help?”

She nods, eyes closed. She doesn’t even realise she did until Lucille steps forwards and pulls Valerie against her chest. In an instant, the dam breaks.

Hot tears roll down her cheeks and she can’t stop them. Her hands grip the back of Lucille’s coat so tight she’s afraid she might tear it. With her face buried in Lucille’s neck, she sobs, desperately trying to stay quiet but failing miserably.

Lucille doesn't seem to care, just hold her tighter, whispers soft words into her ear. Valerie can’t hear what she says, but that doesn’t matter. Lucille’s voice always had a calming effect on her and it works wonders, even now.

It takes her longer than she would like to admit before she calms down, finally feeling like she’s cried out all her tears. She sniffs, stepping back. Lucille let go of her but keeps her hands on Valerie’s arms.

“Come on, let’s go home.”

_Home._

Is Nonnatus House a home for her? Will it still be, after tomorrow? When everyone knows what kind of family she comes from? Will they still accept her? Still trust her?

Lucille pulls her out of her reverie by taking a step back, releasing Valerie from her embrace. Lucille’s warmth leaves her and she immediately misses it, wishes she could just curl up against her chest forever.

“I’ll get our coats, okay? You stay here, I’ll be right back.”

Valerie nods and watches as Lucille goes back inside. She wraps her arms around herself, suddenly feeling cold. Her head hurts and she’s exhausted. Bawling your eyes out usually has that effect.

Lucille comes back shortly after, carefully draping Valerie’s coat over her shoulders. Lucille then links her arm with hers and pulls her along, away from the building where everyone is still enjoying the ball.

The streets are deserted, and the walk back to the convent is uneventful, if not a bit slow. Valerie’s legs feel heavy, and it takes a great deal of effort to keep moving. She’s thankful for Lucille’s strong hold on her, it’s what gets her back in one piece.

Neither of them says anything, and as Lucille opens the front door and helps her over the doorstep, she finally breaks the silence between them.

“How about you get changed, get that make-up off your face, and I’ll make us both a cuppa?”

“I would like that.” She steps away from Lucille and makes her way over to the stairs. Halfway up she turns around, “Lucille?”

“Hm?” She turns to her as she hangs up their coats.

“Thank you.”

“Whatever for?”

“All of… _this,_ ” She knows it’s not nearly encompassing all the things she meant to say, but Lucille seems to understand.

“Of course. Now go, I’ll have the tea here when you’re ready.”

Valerie gives her a weak smile and then turns around. Once in her room, she changes out of her dress, letting it drop to the floor. She’ll deal with that tomorrow. She wipes the remainder of the make-up of her face and changes into her pyjamas.

As she makes her way back downstairs, she can hear Lucille softy humming to herself in the kitchen as she prepares two cups for tea. It’s such a familiar sight that Valerie pauses in the doorway and just watches her for a moment.

When Lucille turns around and meets her eyes, they smile at each other. Valerie knows she looks like an absolute wreck, but as long as Lucille doesn’t care, she won’t either. It’s not the worst state Lucille has ever seen her in.

Lucille grabs the two mugs and places them on the table. She sits down, pulling one of the steaming cups towards her. Valerie takes the seat opposite her, not knowing what to say. She feels suddenly nervous, unsure of what she’s supposed to do now.

Lucille helps her along.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Her face is unassuming, she’ll listen if Valerie decides to tell her, but will also accept it if she doesn’t.

Valerie looks down at the dark brown tea, her thoughts racing. Lucille has never judged her before. And she feels safe, she trusts her.

So Valerie tells her. She recalls the events of last night, wringing her hands to keep them from shaking. Lucille listens and reaches out halfway to grab Valerie’s hand and squeezes, letting her know that it’s okay. It’s okay.  

She manages to finish her story, feeling stronger now that Lucille knows, no matter what she decides to do with the information.  

When she falls silent, Lucille tightens the hold on her hand, not letting go. When she speaks, her voice is steady. “You are so brave.”

It’s the last thing Valerie had expected her to say and her throat closes up. A single tear makes its way down her cheek and she looks away.

“Valerie, look at me,” Lucille squeezes her hand again, softer this time. Valerie looks up and meets her eyes.

“You are the strongest person I know, and you will get through this. _We_ will.”

“We?”

“Of course. I am one hundred percent behind you, Valerie, no matter what happens now. You are not responsible for your families actions, they make their decisions and you make yours. You are still your own person. People will still love you for who you are, not because of what your last name might be.”

Valerie feels her chest constrict, but not painfully. She feels so much love, so much fondness for Lucille that she forgets to breathe. As soon as she does, more insecurities make themselves known.

“What if they think differently of me now? I can’t blame them if they do.” Her voice sounds raw with emotion.

“ _I_ can. It wasn’t you who hurt those women. You didn’t know.”

“But she’s my gran, Lu. People will talk, they always do.” She blows on her tea, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. When she continues, her voice is low, quiet. “What if Sister Julienne decides I’m too much of a risk? That I can’t do my job anymore because of what she did.”

“There is no way I will let that happen.” Lucille’s voice is strong, unwavering. She gets up from her chair and rounds the table, lowering herself to the floor so she’s now on the same eye level as Valerie. “You had my back when I was accused of causing Marjorie’s stroke. You never once doubted me, and I never have and never will doubt you. You are an excellent nurse, Valerie. Everyone here knows that.”

Valerie can’t stop the unadulterated love from making itself known on her face. Lucille is the best person she’s ever met. Lord knows where she would be without her. She finds herself moving closer, suddenly feeling the need to show Lucille just _how much_ she means to her.

Lucille moves too, but pauses, inches away from Valerie’s face. If Valerie wants to move away, she could. But she doesn’t want to. She stays motionless and waits for Lucille to close the gap between them.

Their first kiss is soft, slow, and Valerie pours every ounce of love that she feels for Lucille into it. Everything she can’t say with words, all the things she will never be able to say in public. She just hopes Lucille understands.

When she moves back, Lucille's eyes are lidded, a happy, content look on her face. She places both hands on the sides of Valerie’s face, allowing her to look straight into her eyes.

“I love you, Valerie Dyer. Don’t you ever forget that.”

“You do?” Valerie breaths out, still a little unsure.

“Yes. And even though now is not the right time to discuss that, I want you to know that I’m yours, for however long you will have me. I’ll still be here when this is all over, then we can explore all of this. But until that moment I will be your friend and I’ll let you decide when we take the next step.”

Lucille softly presses her lips to Valerie’s again. It’s gentle and chaste, but it tells Valerie all she needs to know.

Lucille loves her. Her and her alone. It’s the best feeling in the world and she can’t wait to explore just what that means.

Lucille moves back a second later, a small smile on her face. Her fingers linger on Valerie’s jaw for a moment longer.

“Let’s get you to bed, you look knackered.”

Valerie laughs softly. “I am.”

Lucille gets up, places the empty mugs in the sink and turns towards the doorway.

“Wait,” Valerie stops, waits for Lucille to turn back around and face her. “I love you too.”

“I know.” Lucille has a tender smile on her face, eyes so full of love it makes Valerie’s breath catch. “Now come on, before all the others get home.”

Valerie can’t wipe the smile off her face as she follows Lucille up the stairs towards her room. It feels strange to be this happy in the middle of all this turmoil, but it makes her smile, so how much harm can it do?

Lucille flicks on the small bedside lamp, holding out the covers for Valerie to get in. She does, curling up onto her side.

Lucille lets her hand run over Valerie’s hair, then ducks down and leaves a soft kiss on her forehead as she tucks the blanket under Valerie’s chin.

“Get some sleep? I’ll be just in the other room if you need me.”

She takes a step back, and Valerie can’t stop her hand from reaching out and grabbing a hold of Lucille’s.

“Please don’t go.” It’s barely more than a whisper, but Lucille hears her anyway.

“Alright,” she says after a moment, “I don’t think Trixie will mind for one night.” She carefully lifts the blanket, toeing off her shoes at the same time. “Scoot over.”

Valerie moves back. The bed is small, not meant for two adults at the same time. It results in Lucille pressed up against her, and Valerie wouldn’t want it any other way.

She curls into Lucille’s chest, settling in closer as Lucille wraps her arms around her back.

Valerie feels somewhat lighter now, as if a part of the burden fell off her shoulders. No matter what happens now, she’s not alone. She never really was, it just took her a while to see it.

Lucille presses another kiss to the top of her head, and Valerie's eyelids flutter closed. She’s warm, and she’s safe. Tomorrow is going to be one of the hardest days of her life, but she’s going to survive and come out on the other end.

Her life will never be the same after tomorrow. She might lose the part of her family she felt she could always rely on. But Lucille is beside her, will hold her hand throughout, and as long as she is, Valerie feels like she can take on the world.

Love makes you stronger, and God knows she loves this woman.

_So much._


End file.
